LOVE : definition, story and confession

The definition :
Love … what really is love? Has anyone tried to realize what really love is? Everyone, in one way or the other falls in love at some point of time. It might not necessarily be with a person as would come in the minds of most. It, very well stretches to a vast extent into human imagination and psyche. Different people may have different explanations, some call it passion, some call it hobby, but I think if you really feel a great deal about it, care about it, then it is the love for that particular thing or person, you know. Some people love themselves, we define them as selfish. But can you blame them? If I love to crack jokes and try to make everybody around me happy, now if some people say that I try to steal the show, would you blame me?
I just want to tell you that usually people associate the term love to a particular relationship in their lives, but I think love is just not the girl/guy you like. It is just a “thing” that makes you happy about yourself, makes you think that “yes, I’m doing the right thing”. I love casual jests, I love making friends, I love to spread the joy, I love to talk, I love music, I love reading, I love writing, I love to analyze, etc. all these “I love” phrases, I think they’d make any person feel elated. Love is in the air, they say. Without love there is nothing. Setting an aim can also be categorized as “love to achieve”. I personally feel that, of all the “love to” phrases, the best one is “I love to live life”. In my opinion, this is a superset of all these “love to” phrases.
Love is certainly a very “magical” word, but I would also like it to be phrased as basic ingredient to a person’s personality, psyche and whatever. I don’t think that there is a single exception in our human race that has not got even a trace of love in him/her.
I’m not very good at introspecting, so I don’t really know what I love. I have my own conceptions about my love for something(s) or someone(s). It may or may not seem to be up to everyone’s expectations about me. But I’d still do those things as I love to do them.

The story :
Well, my story has many heart breaks for me. Used to have a huge crush on my mathematics teacher, miss M, in sixth grade! Sadly (for me, back then), she got married and left the school. I was her favorite student. Then I never fell for any girl till my tenth grade exams. I was searching for English language coaching for last one month before my board exam. I guess I was weakest in English language (statistically). Anyways, I was looking for a teacher, found one and went at her place to ask if she would take me. Wait, I know what you are thinking. Well I didn’t fall for the teacher this time, but I saw this girl who was studying with other students there. She was special, I know she was. Obviously, I fell for her. Sadly, I was turned down by the teacher as she said that she won’t be taking anymore intakes as she has to concentrate on her child, who was also going to take the same exam. Anyways, time passed, now its six months later when my tenth grade result was out. All the students aspiring for non-medical, medical, commerce, arts streams were to fill choices for admissions into eleventh grade in a good govt. school. I had good marks and managed to get admission in a school of my first choice. I know what you are thinking! You are thinking why so much details about this part. Yes, you are right! I saw this girl there, she was special. Again, I came back home, kept thinking about her. Again, time passed, after a month or so, my classes started. First day at school, this girl enters the classroom. She was special! She was! I immediately fell for her. Later I came to know that her name was S and also that she was the daughter of the same English language teacher who had turned me down in past. Then I realized that this girl, for whom I fell, might have been the same girl I saw at that teacher’s home and the counseling after exams. I couldn’t believe that I had fallen for the same girl for three times in a row, without even realizing I did! That was surely a catalyst in my love reaction which was already going on in me. I wanted this girl at any cost. But in as critical class as the eleventh grade, I couldn’t pursue anything else other than studies. Studies were the main focus at that time. I made my mind to forget her for the time being, but she was never out of my mind.In the same class i came accross yet another girl named N, sweet smart and joyful. I never fell for her though, she is a very special friend of mine and i have much sweet memories of hers. I used to call her "kamli". I love her too, but not in that way, you know.
Now, after I passed twelfth grade, I tried to find S, but soon came to know that she has gone very far away from me. I was broke, I was torn. I was frustrated … XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX … that’s the dark period of my life. I became a pessimist and developed so much guilt and remorse in me that later I lost much in life. If only I had told her about my feelings in the eleventh grade itself, I kept thinking this. I later learnt that it was only me who was at fault.
Anyways, this incident might have been the biggest crush of my life but I don’t think that even this could prevent me from having further crushes.
During my dark times, I came to know two particular girls, O and S (not the old S), O has always been there for me in my every good and bad moments, and so has S. Where O is a childhood pal, S was a complete stranger. I could talk to her about stuff that I could never talk to anyone else. I never fell for O but I surely love her very much. She is still a special friend for me and is an integral part of my life. But due to the depth of stuff I talked to S, I think I started to fell for her. I planned to meet her as well, but I think fate didn’t let me do that. Anyways, I still think that was one of my biggest mistakes I have ever made. Time passed and lost contact with her for some time and one day I realized that there was no life for me without thinking about her. So I decided to tell her my feelings. But to my bad luck, I came to know about her heart break and that she wasn’t interested and also that she didn’t think of me in that way. And also that she wanted to be friends. But I think I just couldn’t bear the pain and abandoned her. I guess you would now hate me for this. I know I deserve this. I have lived in hell for the past 6 months and recently I have again found her and she says she didn’t mind me taking off like that. Now, what kind of person says like that? And would I not fall for her all over again? But I’m her friend (as she thinks of me). But may through this blog I might be able to tell her truly how I feel about her.
So here it is –

The confession :
You might be afraid to start a relationship, but I am already in it. I know I will screw up big time if again do things wrong this time. So I will not leave your side, I am sticking with you to whatever end. I just want you to be happy. Never take me as a threat to you as I wouldn’t even be able to kill a mosquito in your vicinity.
Always waiting for you … dear S(not the old one) … P … I love you!
(damn! This censor board is riding right up my ass!)